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Ruminations of a Florida cowboy philosopher

Posted by Howard Denson on April 3, 2017 at 11:40 AM


By HOWARD DENSON

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The boss has told us that we can’t argue politics in the bunkhouse any more. The latest fracas began when One-Eye Indiana said that supporters of our current president are prone to violence, whereupon Crazy Lipschitz of Waco beat the crap out him with a branding iron.

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So I can’t pitch my ideas out any more and have to punch them into the laptop.

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NO, NO, NO! -- When we talk about deporting (i.e., expelling) unwanted individuals, we must look at the Ancient Greeks and their system of ostracism. Since we have a population of 310-311 million (or whatever), the vote in favor of expelling must be higher. Ostracism would expel somebody from the polis for ten years. During that time, others would have to leave the person’s property and family alone. They could ostracize the corrupt (as with Themistocles--think LBJ) or the virtuous (Aristides the Just). Why the latter? His very virtue could cause a civil disturbance, etc.

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Since Hillary and the Donald received in the neighborhood of 60 million votes, I suggest the ostracism figure be higher, say, 30 or 40 million.

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Now . . . I am a reasonable person so there is another approach: the one used with Socrates.

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Here a jury of 500 men tried him on charges of being impious and corrupting the minds of the youth. Certainly the Donald is guilty of both charges, particularly the corruption angle (and not just the youth).

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His jury should consist of 250 supporters of Hillary and Bernie and 250 supporters who voted for the Great Fizzle Himself.

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Start the voting . . . and someone mix up a batch of hemlock.

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FORGET TO SIGN EXECUTIVE ORDER? – The reporters calling out questions got under the skin of the Great Fizzle Himself, so he left a signing ceremony for an executive order without signing the order.

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Any other President and his staff would have had someone repeatedly announce, “This is a signing of an Executive Order, not a press conference.” If questions persisted, the prez could say, over and over, “No comments. Save them for a press conference. . . no comment,” etc.

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However, when you and your staff are incompetent nincompoops, then . . .

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LONG JOURNEY & MILES TO GO – Today I finished the very rough first draft of THE MICHELANGELO OF MARSAY. It will be about the size (though certainly not the quality) of THE GREAT GATSBY. It began in the first person point of view back in December 2002. After 700 words, it switched over to 3rd person point of view. During January-February 2003, it grew to 9,000 words . . . and hit a wall. In a few months in 2007, it crept up to fewer than 12,000 words. And it sat there for ten years.

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Two months ago, I added an interesting character, and, damned if things didn’t explode. The word count is now almost 55,500.

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When polished, will the final draft be more like Twain-Hemingway-Faulkner?

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No, always Twain, of course, but maybe more Fannie Flagg and William Saroyan.

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A BUMPKIN ON TV -- Cherish the moment. It isn’t often that you get to reveal yourself as a total idgit on nationwide TV. This happened to a rube who couldn’t figure out what President Obama was up to when 9/11 occurred. On a scale of 1-10 (dumb to dumbest), this guy’s an 11.

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WILL RUSSIAN HACKERS CORRUPT THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE TO SWING ELECTIONS? -- The U.S. Electoral College is already corrupt and it has failed to work properly in 40 percent of elections from 2000 to 2016. It has given us a gerrymandered result on two recent elections. If foreign agents, such as the KGB, the Russian kleptocrats, and the mob, wish to influence our elections, they can focus on the key states in the E.C. They apparently did this and helped to elect the Great Fizzle Himself, not particularly because they were so enamored with him (the jury is still out), but because they could throw off the democratic republican results in our country.

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Such strategies can be used against Democrats or Republicans, so it serves all Americans well for protections to be put in place.

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I won’t suggest any retaliatory actions since, if implemented, our government should be in a position to be as nonchalant as a house cat with a single yellow feather barely sticking out of its mouth.

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Instead, let’s put our emphasis on using the popular vote as the standard for electing our president. Although Hillary was subjected to slime attacks from the Ersatz House Committee on Benghazi, she was regularly bombarded with outrageous slimeball attacks from the old Soviet regions (even being accused of cannibalism, if you can believe it). However, despite all that, she still won more than 2.8 MILLION votes than the Great Fizzle Himself did.

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The Founding Fathers didn’t anticipate our having such a mess on our hands, since they worried about one candidate declaring himself king or the followers of another candidate chopping off heads right and left as they were doing in France.

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The 25th Amendment even has deficiencies. If Trump were forced to resign, we’d still have President Pence, who may also be up to his neck in trouble. Ditto for Speaker Ryan. It is not an option for Hillary to be appointed as VP under Pence and then for him to resign. It would be the right thing to do, but no political party is capable of such selfless behavior.

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A President Pence, however, could appoint a Mitt Romney or John McCain and then resign with the veep taking over the presidency.

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Is all that going to happen? Of course not, we’re going to have the same old same-old until we are convinced we have died and are in a Jean Paul Sartre play. Our torment will go on and on, and a fool in the corner will be busy tweeting ‘SO SAD, SO BAD.’

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OF INTEREST TO GRAMMARIANS -- If you are not a grammarian, then go away (so says the Forensic Grammarian).

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In Latin and other languages, word order doesn’t matter because the endings or forms of nouns and pronouns will tell you whether something is a subject, a possessive, an indirect object, a direct object, etc.

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In English, word order matters. Consequently, it is fairly rare to come across a sentence that will have this order: Direct object (DO), verb, and subject.

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Behold and lo, I was reading one of Shakespeare’s sonnets and came across these two lines:

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“I have seen roses damasked, red and white,

But no such roses see I in her cheeks.”

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In the second line, “roses” is the DO, “see” the verb, and “I” the subject.

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What? You say, “Big whoop?” Dammit, I told you not to read the posting if you weren’t a grammarian. Go to the board and write twenty-five times, “I will not pretend to be a grammarian.”

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Grumble, grumble, grrrr.

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HATE DONALD NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES? – That’s what the Great Fizzle Himself is telling people, but, no, Donald, it’s not a matter of whatever you do or have done.

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It’s because of you and your character. As a Dem, I don’t hate Mitt Romney, John McCain, Bob Dole, Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz, or a dozen other potential GOP leaders.

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You, Donald, are simply an icky human being. You are uninformed and convinced you know everything. You are a prime example of “hubris,” and the U.S. deserves better.

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AH WELL -- Another one bites the dust. In my hometown, I generally preferred to go to K-Mart rather than Walmart. Now the choices in a small town decline even more. Belks is probably still at the mall, along with J. C. Penney. The town has lost its only theatre, due no doubt to competition from cable and red box rentals. Still certain flicks are meant to be seen on a big screen.

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City fathers even sold the trousers off the statue of the Confederate soldier on the town square. He’s pathetic up there with his raggedy underwear.

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NO NO NO -- I couldn’t vote for Chelsea Clinton . . . not until she has, say, posed nude for Playboy or Penthouse . . . been married three times . . . run a fraudulent university scheme . . . gotten tied up with the Russian mob . . . and forgotten the positive things she learned from her mum (her father might help her with the “babe” stuff). After all that, yes, maybe I could be ready for a left of center Trumpeeta.

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CLEVER, DEVIOUS, & USING CHAOS? -- Some talking heads have been saying that the Great Fizzle Himself is using a clever strategy and a devious one (adapted from Putin’s playbook). He is using chaos to create a smokescreen to hide his more serious problems.

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I beg to object.

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The Fizzle is neither clever nor devious, and he is creating chaos simply because he is egotistical and inept. He has four bankruptcies to show that he doesn’t manage all that well.

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Moreover, he comes to the presidency thinking that he is smarter than anyone else. Past presidents who wound up unexpectedly in the office realized their own deficiencies and often made certain that they had people around who could fill in wherever they were deficient.

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“Know thyself” was a slogan on the Temple of Apollo at Delphi in ancient Greece, but the Temple of Trump would have a slogan saying, “I Know More Than Generals,” “I Know More than Members of Congress,” and “I Know More than Everyone.”

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When he comes across as farcical (think Keystone Cops or The Three Stooges), we must keep in mind that he cannot be parodied. The ultimate joke begins and ends as a joke. Alex Baldwin, therefore, simply imitates what the Ultimate Fool does. Can you do a parody of the Three Stooges or the Keystone Cops? Nope, they too begin and end as jokes, as does the Great Fizzle Himself.

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So sad for America, so bad for America.

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MAKING & DOING ASSIGNMENTS -- As a teacher of college composition for nearly four decades full time, let me wade into this controversy: First, when an instructor makes an assignment, the student’s first reaction is often to find reasons not to do it. Some will even exert more effort getting out of assignments than actually doing the assignments would have cost.

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There are many, many valid approaches to college assignments. One teacher has x-number of in-class writing days. You show up on a particular day, and Teach has put either a single topic on the board . . . or three topics (choose one). There is some value (not much actually) to the approach. It guarantees that the product turned in will be substandard.

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Another approach is to announce each topic (or topics) beforehand, and the students may show up and write spontaneously or simply rewrite a draft they wrote at home. The product turned in will be better than the one only written in class.

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I eventually went to giving out a list of, say, twenty topics, and the students could choose which ones they wanted to write. I tried to personalize them so that I wasn’t getting stuff reworked from Wikipedia. (A weasel will try to get around the topics. For example, one term, my “Problems of” topic came in as “Problems of Being a Clerical Assistant and a Single Mother at FSCJ.” The next term, her significant other tried unsuccessfully to palm the paper off as his. Grrrrr.)

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One required topic was the New York Times paper. (If they wanted to go to the main Jacksonville library or to the University of North Florida library, they could use microfilm of other newspapers.)

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Students would go to the NYT microfilm (and later to the online NYT) to look up issues of the NYT on the day they were born. Let’s say it was April 1, 1999. Then they’d have to look up the NYT on April 1 in one of the 9-years of the 19th Century: 1859, 1869, 1879, 1888, or 1899. Then they would choose another 9-year in the 20th or 21st century, say, 1969 or 2009. They would have to choose an area of focus: crimes, deaths by accidents, even obituaries, sports, entertainment (TV and movies in 1999 and radio, movies, and the stage in 1939), or advertisements.

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They generally learned that people were wicked or careless in the 19th Century just as much as they were in the 20th and 21st Century.

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The NYT assignment helped them to organize since I wanted five items from each year for 15 items total, plus a minimum of 1,500 words. (They usually wound up writing 2,000 to 2,300 words.

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Especially when a college or university has discovered a new fad to impose upon its students, teachers don’t like to acknowledge that assignments similar to the ones that I make or the Iowa teacher made are journeymen writing. It will be rare for papers to really be worth reading a month or a year after a term has ended.

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Oh, when I asked each class to fill out an anonymous feedback sheet about what changes to make in the course for the next term, they all wanted the NYT assignment to be dropped.

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Never.

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RANT AND RAVE – People often fuss about the average salaries of college football coaches compared to the pay of teachers or profs. . . or, in this case, about CEO’s and entertainers (or sports figures).

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What they overlook is the transitory nature of jobs, especially the jobs of athletic coaches. They are here; if they don’t win (enough), they are gone. Sean Penn may earn $20 million, but the average actors / singers/ etc. usually have to have day jobs to make a living.

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Moreover, the superstars have Time working against them. The problem with CEO pay is two- or three-fold: The corporate ethos has jacked up their compensation to ungodly heights. $1 million is a pittance for CEOs of ATT, etc.

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Often they are paid, say, 500 times more than their average worker (which isn’t the case in other industrialized nations).

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Even worse, they are often journeymen MBAs (at least) who neither created their respective companies nor know how to make anything themselves. They may leave after only a few months with platinum parachutes and no doubt believing they were worth every cent they received . . . unlike their lazy workers.

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HB 11 & ALL THAT -- Every legislative session has its share of nonsense bills. HB11 for the 2017 session in Florida falls into this category when it says it wants members to pay for representation. Members of each union, of course, already pay dues, so, if a union membership is, say, 65% of the bargaining group, then they all pay for the dues. Moreover, since members generally use payroll deductions, the administrations know which employees are members of the union.

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In theory, it is illegal for the employer to discriminate against the union membership.

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If the lawmakers want to force the remaining 35% of employees to pay dues, it really doesn’t accomplish anything. They were “no” votes likely . . . or they voted “yes” and chose to get a free ride.

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PALM PROPHECY -- I went to a palmist and she looked at my hands and announced I would live to be 76. Damn, she’s good.

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CHOOSE YOUR ENEMIES CAREFULLY -- for you will become like them. Decades ago, I learned that line was attributed to humorist-actor Robert Benchley. (Try to trace it today, and your sources will credit everybody.) Maureen Dowd has an excellent column about why DT has gone down the toilet. He’s been played . . . he’s not as smart as Reagan . . . he’s got creeps around him.

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Oh, Crazy Lipschitz of Waco got fired again. The boss claimed a highway patrolman pulled him over on some trumped up charge, and Crazy went berserk and took the branding iron to the boss. This time it was red hot.

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Categories: The Human Comedy or Tragedy

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