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How to win friends and converts

Posted by Howard Denson on June 6, 2017 at 10:15 AM

By HOWARD DENSON


FEAR NOT. I WILL NOT come by your dwelling on a “visitation night” and exhort you to accept my faith or political position. I won’t for a couple of reasons.

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First, I respect your privacy and, in turn, expect you to keep your yap shut and not harangue me about things political and metaphysical.

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Second, frankly I don’t give a celestial flip about what you believe. You may support practically any candidate without my fretting much. If we don’t get Harry, Ike, Jack, Lyndon, and so on, then Dewey, Adlai, Dick, Barry, and so on would probably do just fine. After all, it’s not likely that you are going to support a deranged nincompoop for president. We don’t have to worry about a total incompetent becoming POTUS.

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Having said that, I do follow tactics and strategies, those used by generals, corporate execs, and even coaches, but especially those used by political parties, churches, and sects overseas. Some policies work, while others are self-defeating.

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Let’s focus on the latter, particularly the activities of the boneheads amongst Islamic extremists.

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When we have individuals blowing themselves up, driving cars and trucks into pedestrians, and firing at people in a mall or the like, we could say we have mini-wars, except that it too grandiose a term for their feeble activities.

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If we examine some directory that discusses the spectrum of war and fighting in our global military-industrial complex, the terrorists barely make the grade. Their equivalent in commerce is the dollar store. In social organizations their equal is the Flat Earth Society.

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To be sure, the heads of various groups realize this. They have looked at their available materiel for a functioning army. “We don’t have tanks . . . we don’t have fighter planes . . . we don’t have ships . . . in short, we got plenty of nothing.”

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What do they have? Uncle Ismael’s Toyota truck, machine-guns, AK-47s, and (oh, yes) some clowns who can be talked into blowing themselves up.

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If a region can no longer make a decent claim for nationhood (e.g., Syria, Somalia, etc.), radical groups can destabilize whatever order exists.

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However, for the U.K., France, the rest of Europe, the U.S., and much of the world, they are wasting their time.

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If individuals wish to proclaim that Allah is great and all-powerful, they strike out as they blow off their nuts, arms, and legs. They are saying, “My god is weak and powerless, but He can be all-powerful if I blow my ass up.”

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Theologically, of course, that narcissistic position doesn’t hold water.

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Who would buy into such a message? Ah, the young males, of course, the epitome of the self-absorbed. They aren’t respected as adults. They aren’t respected as undergraduates or for their menial jobs. They aren’t getting any women. But, no matter, this cool guy explains how they will show the world. The clown decides, “That beautiful girl in the florist shop will want to have it on with me after I blow my nuts off.”

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The logic behind part of the campaign is “We want our faith to prevail and to show the infidels what they need to believe.”

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That, of course, won’t work because the approach lacks any appeal. Can you imagine a neighbor shouting, “You there, you Methodist, become a Presbyterian like me or I’ll blow myself up. Okay, I’ll blow myself up close to you.”

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In the bad ol’ days, Christians were cruel as they forced pagans from Africa, Asia, South America, etc. to accept Christianity or else. The ineffectual Christian male in recent times finds great comfort in blowing up a federal building, killing hundreds, or shooting dozens in a church or a (gasp, gasp) gay nightclub. It will take more than a can of Brasso to remove the incrustations on those individuals’ haloes.

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Many others turn to a faith because of its natural appeal: Moses was the law-giver (in the spirit of Hammurabi), Jesus laid out a gentle message in his Sermon on the Mount, the Buddha had wise precepts. Confucius clicks because (darn it all) he’s probably smarter than Charlie Chan.

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Look at the numbers. Christianity, with all its divisions, has about 2.4 billion followers. Islam comes in second with 1.8 billion believers, while Hinduism comes in third with a billion adherents. All of them preach peace and harmony, and all have a miniscule number of clowns who think the greatest act in the world would be to kill [you fill in the blank].

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People turn to many faiths because they provide a need and help to give internal peace . . . not because they terrorize.

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Now . . . violence can have an effect, right?

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If you carpet-bomb and create firestorms as at Dresden, Tokyo, etc., you will drive a side to surrender.

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On the other hand, when you nip at an opponent with a runaway truck here, a suicide bomb there, and so on, you are only reinforcing the other side’s desire to resist. All of the bombing of England during the Battle of Britain only made the victims furious. It wasn’t enough to get them to consider surrendering.

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Just consider what it would take to bring America to her knees. We are a violent nation, spawned by the myth of the gun-totin’ cowboys. We have nutcases bursting into their former places of employment and killing as many as they can in revenge. We tsk-tsk, but Wayne LePew of the National Irrational Rifle, Gun, and Bee-bee Gun Assn. will warn us not to weaken the Second Amendment. A nutter bursts into a school and kills dozens. Other nutters say it never happened. It was faked so the gubmint could weaken the Second Amendment.

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We are the land of the free, the brave, and extreme weather. Tornadoes rip across our country, destroying billions in property damage, killing dozens to hundreds, but we don’t require every school to have reinforced storm rooms or every dwelling to be constructed to lessen the effects of wind.

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Violence really doesn’t bother us. It’s good for a few images on the news, but not enough for us to take protective actions. It's our daily visit to the Roman Coliseum to a fight to the death or two before supper.

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If we can tolerate all that, then all that clowns with bombs are doing is making pulled pork out of themselves.

--30-- 


Categories: The Human Comedy or Tragedy

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