AUTHOR PAGE FOR HOWARD DENSON

Quotations by Howard Denson

I am what I call a “defrogged” Baptist, thanks to an embarrassing incident during my full-immersion baptism at Lugswater Creek. I really don’t like talking about it.

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For six years as an Army National Guardsman, I protected Bessemer, Alabama, from the atheistic hordes of communism. I was so successful that to this day there are thousands of people in Bessemer who do not even know the meaning of the word communism.

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I would have been a Baptist or Methodist minister if I hadn’t like to cuss so gawdamned much.

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When asked, I tell people I’ve been married to She Who Knows All for seven happy years. That’s not bad out of forty years: a day here, thirty minutes there, a couple of hours here. It adds up.

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God created Man because the monkey wasn’t entertaining enough. (Tip of the hat to Mr. Clemens.)

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Methinks the NRA’s Wayne needs a moustache: not too big, just to each side of his nose.

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Some folks want to change the wording on the Statue of Liberty from “Give me your tired, your poor/Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” to “piss off.”

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Some clever dog has made a parody of Norman Rockwell’s Thanksgiving dinner portrait with Donald Trump’s face on the turkey. What would be remarkable about a Trump Turkey is that it would cook itself.

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Trump claims he is the Twitter Hemingway. If so, that  makes George Takei the Twitter Leo Tolstoy.

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NOT TRUE--Don’t believe the rumors that Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are joining the GOP debates of 2015. Clowns and Dumb and Dumber? Not so, not so.

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Benevolent Bureaucrats are so in love with uniformity that they are like a basic training sergeant who said, “If one man’s bunk has a turd on it, every man’s bunk will have a turd on it.” Mindless uniformity invariably leads to mediocrity.

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GOPers should consider “Debating While Drunk.” Each candidate takes a swig of booze before, during, and after anyone speaks. First to barf is out.

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Political debate in 2015 is closer to Animal House and Porky’s. Should we expect farts, puke, and tits instead of substance?

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How many times has Hillary Clinton been arrested in 30 years? Let’s count them up: That’s zero added to zero, plus zero, and what do we have? Zilch?

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My bunkmate Waco Lipschitz is thinking of changing his name, but I think that Dallas-Fort Worth Lipschitz just sounds stupid.

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Child abuse or sex abuse isn’t right- or left-wing. It’s just human-wing, with males by far being the greater offenders.

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The Seven Deadly Sins could be rearranged to spell GAS PLEA: Greed, Avarice, Sloth (my favorite), Pride, Lust, Envy, and Anger.

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If wishes were tour busses, even obscure politicos could campaign to be president.

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Today’s superhero TV shows consist of five minutes of comic book action and the rest sheer soap opera.

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Mike Huckabee wants to use troops to fight abortions and Chris Christie wants them to fight marijuana. The GOP has a ticket here. (Be scared, Hillary.)

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RIGHT-WING and JOSH DUGGAR?—When Mike Huckabee automatically defends Josh Duggar against child molestation charges, it shows he has trouble with “hypocrisy.” He thinks it’s “hippocrisy” and is something that only affects hippos.

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My Aunt Marjorie died four months shy of her 100th birthday. She was a lovely lady, who, like the Queen, did her duty with grace and love.

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For the longest time, when I was younger, I thought that a numismatic had to carry an inhaler.

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The military uses Indian names such as Tomahawk missile, the Apache, the Kiowa, etc. They round it out by having drones for smoke-signals.

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Where is the Black Box for K-12 tests? They keep the info and data hidden . . .for alleged proprietary reasons. Not very scientific at all.

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It’s a sad state of affairs in America when politicos, in effect, say, “I want to destroy public education and turn all that loot over to unregulated privatization schemes.”

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If the U.S. flew and landed airplanes with the system used in K-12 testing, we’d be known as the Nation’s Capital for Air Disasters.

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We mourn when we lose someone, but we also celebrate those who showed us how to live life to the fullest.

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If a group of baboons is called a Congress, then it must follow that a group of Senators signing letters to Iran is called a Baboon.

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SIMPLE RULE FOR SCHOOLS -- If a female student wishes to dress like Audrey Hepburn in any film, that’s perfectly okay. Leave her alone.

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High-tech gizmos are like indifferent whores who don’t care who they watch. We are watching Big Brother.

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“Zen and College Fuhbol”: A book to help gridiron fans get through the dark lonely nights. Comes with Prozac for times when the gods are vindictive.

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While Pope Francis goes around quoting Jesus, the Koch surrogates are quoting Dillinger and Willie Sutton. We have a debate between “Give them bread and fishes” and “stick ‘em up.”

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If we blame today’s president and mayors for the cop killings, does that mean that yesterday’s presidents and mayors were guilty when cops died then?

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CHARTER FRAUD -- Isn’t it strange that the bean-counters don’t want to count the beans when it’s their chums who are squandering taxpayers’ money.

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Despite collusion in big oil and big banks, the government has been looking the other way. Despite prison overcrowding, we have room for up to 50 state attorneys general if push comes to pick and shovel and smashing big rocks.

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Oddity? The feds can put corrupt governors in jail for $1-2K bribes but won’t jail banksters who make off with $1m-2b. Is this justice or an example of Too Crooked and Wealthy to Jail?

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CASTING PROBLEM -- Papa Brolin played Ronald Reagan, Josh played Dubya, but which Brolin will play Trump when the time comes?

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HOLY CONGRESS--The House makes a big point of not working on the Sabbath, but they are so pious that they think all seven days are Sabbaths.

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MONTY PYTHON?—Colorado police arrested a prankster trying to attack them with a banana for a YouTube video. Never fear. John Cleese is here.

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Two gray-haired ones were chatting in a grocery line about Thanksgiving. Recurrent phrase: “Well, my mother did...” and “My mother did...”

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Neo-cons’ slogan: “Let’s mind your business.” (Tip of the hat to Popeye’s friend Wimpy.)

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Did silly old God make a big mistake when He created marijuana? Should He have listened to wise old us?

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I love it when columnists, police, and politicians want to dictate medical advice to be followed by doctors and nurses.

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Politics should work this way: Party A wants a rule of 50 for widgets; Party B, 70. They compromise with a rule of 60, except not today when a few legislators ignore common sense in order to boost their agenda.

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When we blame Obama for every ill, we only prove that we want our president to be Superman or Captain Marvel. Shazam!

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The trouble with seeing a loved one on his or her deathbed is that you can’t help seeing all your other loved ones at their end.

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DID OBAMA CAUSE EBOLA IN U.S.? -- Nonsense, it was the birth of Prince George and the cancellation of “Firefly” and “House.” No House=no health.

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PEACE AT LAST—Let’s have an elections board to unify rules for federal political races: 1/3 GOP, 1/3 Demo, 1/3 independent. No fuss.

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IDLE THOUGHT -- Are there still any Yugos on the road in the U.S.?

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Some folks are so dumb they think an oligarchy is government by leaders with the smarts of Oliver Hardy. That’s another fine mess we’re in.

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KAMA SWAG -- Politics is like a bordello. The makeup and hairstyles may change, but the clients are after the same three or four services.

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The extreme right and extreme left have one fault in common. Neither is able to count well. Each thinks that their 15 percent should count more than everyone’s 85 percent.

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If the U. S. House of Representatives performed Hamlet, we wouldn’t have “to be or not to be.” It would be “no, no, no, no, no, no.”

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Some politicians are like Dracula. The voters drive a stake into them. They’re dust, but with the next election, the coffin slides open again.

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Fair Tax idea is a nifty way to lower the tax debt of the rich to 17 percent (which many don’t pay anyway), while hiking the taxes on the poor.

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The Environmental Protection Agency needs to go. Don’t you recall the good old days when you could roast wieners on the burning rivers up north? Good times.

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Right-wingnuts are saying it will be Obama’s fault if he’s assassinated. No, children, we don’t fault Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, and JFK for being offed. It’s the killers’ faults.

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LOQUACIOUS TO LOCO – Politicians often go from the glib to glub, glub, glub when they flub and sink beneath the waves.

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It’s time to rename the Peter Principle and call it “the Palin Principle.” With her remark about “1400 Pennsylvania Ave.,” she’s proved that she couldn’t even be a mail carrier.

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Speaker John Boehner is like an arsonist who says he was walking around with a lit match when, darn it, that irresponsible house walked into him.

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I didn’t bother to read the list of the “17 highest-earning authors of the year.” I’m pretty sure I didn’t make it.

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Maven stands for “Mars Atmosphere and Volatile Evolution Mission.” That beats my MOO Cow (Mars Orbiting Orbiter Craft Orbiting World).

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CODGER: “A barking dog gathers no moss, but a rolling squirrel can drive you nuts.” Anything you say, sir.

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“Candidate” Donald Trump is like Anytown, USA’s loopy lawyer who runs for office as a cheap way to advertise his business.

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WHERE IS NORMAN ROCKWELL TODAY?--We need him to paint warm pixs of school cops with their M16s, grenade launchers, and armored vehicles (thanx, Pentagon).

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Football strategy for the apathetic: Always punt on first down.

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A distant relative asked me if Jacksonville had a professional football team. I didn’t know what to tell him.

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Second Amendment supporters don’t need to be shouting “blood, blood, blood,” when the refrain should be “jobs, equity, fairness, and safety.”

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When truckloads of “patriots” roam the streets with AK-47s to strike at tyranny, citizens will then arm themselves against the “patriots.”

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Heavenly Punishment: “You are to go back to earth as you were when you were a 17-year-old.” NOOOOOOOO!!!!

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SLOGAN FOR RICK SCOTT? -- “Vote for Rick Scott in Florida. He’s the best that the state GOP can come up with.” Or “Re-Elect Gov. Voldemort.”

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If someone is responding positively, then persistent, intensive questioning often becomes mere aggression.

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NEEDED IN SENATE--Some folks want Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren to run for president, but who would say what they’re saying in the Senate?

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TODAY’S INSULT: He’s all latte and no caffeine.

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If you’re doing a duplicate tweet, would you call that “deja tweet”?

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Says a Celtic Appalachian: If Scotland ever does go independent, the U.S. should see if they want to become the 51st state.

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Elusive memory -- When Dick Cheney was president, what was the name of the doofus who was his vice president? Darn, I should know that.

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I listened to scientists’ recordings of sounds in space and was relieved that the cosmos wasn’t saying “earth is effing out of its gourd.”

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U.S. PATRIOT - n. someone who buys into a gated community so he can live under fascistic rules about lawns and decorations.

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If five members of the Supreme Court were driving for NASCAR, they would need to be on a track that ran in the opposite direction, so they could turn right all the time.

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When giving a cat a pill, wear a haz mat suit. For a bath, wear that suit and a firefighter’s gear, plus a suit of armor.

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On giving a pill to a cat, a friend suggests you should practice using a blender, but be sure that it’s plugged in and turned on.

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A good teacher offers the four C’s: competence, consistency, courtesy, and compassion.

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One or two dynamic sparkplugs in a class may be transform the class more than an excellent teacher can.

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Goof-offs spend more time filing grade appeals than doing class work. They might have passed if they put that energy into the class.

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Dick Cheney isn’t a chickenhawk (who talks war, but has never served). Cheney is a moneyhawk (who uses war, to enrich his buddies).

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MY FIRST MOVIE ROLE--I know I could do it. I’m waiting for a producer to get me to star in a biopic about Meryl Streep. Ring, phone, now!

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Whenever I read about the “suicide” who shot himself in the chest while cuffed behind in a cop car, I can’t help thinking of rednecks in the Sixties saying, “Another crazy n---- trying to swim a river with chains.”

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Re the “suicide” who shot himself in the chest while handcuffed behind in a cop car: Could Houdini do it? Could Plastic Man? Tall tale?

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CALENDARS -- In the Persian calendar, it is about year 2636; in the Hebrew calendar, it is 5774; in the Tea Party calendar, it’s 1864.

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Life (noun) -- A period of existence continually filled with mistakes and interrupted by occasional dishes of chocolate ice cream.

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BIG WORRY: When it’s time for a bio-pic of Robin Williams’ life, will Meryl Streep be able to handle it?

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Why hasn’t Obama melted under all the heat he’s been taking? Simple. He’s been pigging out on Walmart ice cream sandwiches. They don’t melt.

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“He grinned toothily”? A boy in India had 232 teeth removed to treat a rare condition that creates a second gum with a lot of teeth.

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Would be-president Marco Rubio says Hillary Clinton is so 20th Century. Instead, he’s the man of the hour: July 23, 2 p.m., 1888

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GOOD OMEN FOR WRITERS--You are in a dream, and your characters appear and argue with each other. Have they come alive for you?

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A WRITER DOING PUBLIC READINGS--You feel totally naked standing at the podium with only your prose on.

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When you find you may be circling the drain, try to see if you can get someone to pour more water into the life-tank.

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The bull in the china shop didn’t set out to break the china. It only wanted to know how the hell to get out of the shop.

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The U.S. House of Representatives has NEVER gotten the impeachment process right for presidents.

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When one side doesn’t like a SCOTUS ruling, it’s whining, according to the other side--which is gloating.

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HOBBY LOBBY -- BOYcott it, MANcott it, GIRLcot it, and WOMANcott it.

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Does it get your goat that Tad Cochran has given a new meaning to “sheeple”? Well, don’t be cowed. Campaigns make for weird bedfellows.

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I don’t care what others believe in as long as they don’t feel called to urinate on the sidewalks.

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WHEN YOU’RE WRONG, SHUT UP—The isolationists of the Thirties didn’t defend their position after Pearl Harbor and World War II. They knew they were wrong.

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Wolf Man hates it when a full moon comes on Friday the 13th. He breaks a leg or a fang and comes down with fleas.

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I can lecture on transitive and intransitive verbs and put a class into a coma. You could do root canals on them without anyone noticing.

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Both Belarus dictator Lukashenko and a Wall Street Journal editor want serfdom to “teach the peasants to work more efficiently” or to hate poverty.

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I’LL HAVE A SLIME BURGER TO GO: The fast-food franchises are stealing from low-paid employees. “Welcome back, company store.”

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Our first TV ran on coal and wood logs. During a commercial, I had to get up and stir the ashes with a poker. True. I wouldn’t lie about that.

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POLITICAL ADVICE: “In your zeal to attack your opponents, don’t blindly attack positions that cause you to undercut your own ideals.”

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A Louisiana rep. thinks like Red Green and believes duct tape and garbage bags are okay to use to repair leaky transcontinental oil pipes. Way to go, hoser.

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Oklahoma’s governor must have the campaign slogan: “I’m bought and paid for, Live with it.” So does the OK lege.

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A state rep thinks Common Core makes you gay. Hmm, it uses numbers, and 69 is an obscene number, and 11 or 22 is like same sex, and--

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POP POP FIZZ PFIZER: One of big pharma’s biggest gets filthy rich off of corporate welfare and leaves the country.

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Santa Barbara lesson: Add Loser + Psychosis + gun, and what do you get? A poster punk for the National Rifle Association. Way to go, Wayne LePew.

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Do we trip the wire that brings evil upon us?

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Some nice things about Florida Gov. Rick Scott: Nice teeth, nice-looking suits, respectable ties, nice ex-governor material.

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Whether you’re on the right, in the middle, or on the left, TPP reeks. Be suspicious about any proposal that is kept secret from the world.

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CHRISTI OVERHEARD AT PRAYERS-- “And, Lord, thank you for sending Cliven Bundy and the Clippers’ Sterling. Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

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A modern Machiavelli might say, “Beware Stupidity, for it knows neither party, creed, gender, nor religion.”

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Bright thinkers like Bill Gates, Obama, and Jeb want to dismantle public ed. Is Shanghai the best, even though they don’t test all pupils?

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What happens when you think that you’re the biggest bird and can say anything? Will you learn that there are bigger birds perched above you?

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I don’t have any gangster ties, as did Frank Sinatra and others, but I have a pair of socks that used to belong to a bootlegger.

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Indiana’s idgit who wrote the proposed Stand Your Ground statute only meant that the law would just apply to African American officers shot down.

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The NRA’s LaPierre gripes about the media and implies that something should be done about it. He would have us ignore the 1st Amendment but worship the 2nd Amendment.

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An easy New Year’s Day resolution. I vowed to translate Nietzsche’s “Also Sprach Zarathustra” into German. I can scratch that puppy off my list.

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If I fall in the well or am hog-tied during a prairie fire, no critters like Lassie or Rin-Tin-Tin would ever rescue me or go for help. Poor me.

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Our old dogs no longer panic during fireworks on July 4 or New Year’s. Instead, they may look up with puzzlement, as if to ask “Don’t they know I’m trying to sleep?”

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While watching a 1942 Tarzan movie, I figured out what appealed to me most as a kid--the chimp, Cheetah was the real star.

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If you are arrested for running a synthetic marijuana operation, could you be sentenced to a synthetic prison, like an airport terminal?

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POLITICO ADVICE AFTER FOLLOWING EVENTS IN NORTH KOREA--If you work for a tyrant, keep your bag packed and try to live close to the border.

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JOB OPENING -- Uncle-in-law to N.K. leader. Must be able to stand against a wall, with or without a blindfold. Servile deference required.

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The bridge-chaos culprit is like an urban arsonist. The culprit returned to the scene to admire the chaos he had created.

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AUNT SARAH SEEING HER 1ST PIGLETS NURSING THEIR MAMA: “Mama, come quick! The little pigs are eating the big pig!”

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SOUTHERN PERSPECTIVE: “Don’t trust nobody except family. . .but look out for Uncle Willard.”

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Denson’s Tip for a Long Life--If you eat 1 piece of bacon a day for 36,525 days, you’ll live to be 100. If you miss a day, all bets are off.

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The trouble with being a packrat is that you can’t find your ratty old journals and you know there’s a dogsled team in the room somewhere.

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Bring the rhinos to the open West. Our rednecks won’t saw off their horns just to get an erection.

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If someone comes to my door wanting to “save” me, I tell him, “You aren’t really saved unless you can shampoo a rattlesnake without being bit.”

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When I was trying to learn to play the piano, nobody told me I’d have to listen to so much racket.

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When you have a crazy creative person who is also self-indulgent, you have a problem, Houston.

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When I pick an audiobook to listen to, I first try to locate those recorded by George Guidall. He did a fine version of The Iliad (16 hours).

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FRIENDS RE REDSKINS NAME -- Washington Warriors...Drones...Justices... Idiots (re House to balance Senators in baseball).

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NEW NAME FOR REDSKINS. They were founded as the Boston Braves. Drop the Redskins and add the Braves.

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I want to collect $$ to convert Christians to following the precepts that Jesus laid down in his Sermon on the Mount. Unmarked bills please.

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India’s Mars Mission puts us one step closer to a Hotel Taj and its serving of red curry on the red planet. Will Mollywood films be next?

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An excellent writing rule from Ezra Pound: Put the parts together that belong together.

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HERMAN CAIN VS. WOMAN WITH NO SKILL -- Hmm, I can choose between a bankster and pizza-seller or a First Lady, senator, and Secretary of State.

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Tricky lesson to learn: Which cat will let you tickle its belly? Which cat will tear your hand off if you do?

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If other groups thought like the NRA, we’d have doctors treating diabetes saying, “No needles and meds. Eat more sugar.”

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I get in trouble when I refer to “real writing.” It includes works by aspiring storytellers and professionals, but not school papers and memos.

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Every decade, the U.S. has some group crying that the country is about to disintegrate. The end is here, again, and again, and again.

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Don’t lend money to folks whose jobs begin with the letter P: painters, plumbers, professors, physicians, producers, PR agents, punters, etc.

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Sex scenes in movies are often like Western songs in Gene or Roy’s films -- an interlude to give you time to go to the restroom.

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A politician’s motto? “I lie; therefore, I tell you the truth.” Grumble, grumble.

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Writers should respect the definitions of words. Politicians should respect the concepts they advocate and not oppose a worthy concept.

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An opera singer once asked a director, “What’s my character doing during the aria?” In fiction, what’s your hero doing during a long speech?

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When we get to the Pearly Gates, will we have a phone connection and have to press 1 for Up and 2 for Down? Will the wait be 1,000 years?

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Do you remember in the olden days, when your typewriter ribbon was shot, you could get by with a sheet of carbon paper?

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ADVICE: Write the best you can and revise to make it better. You’ll find flaws with what you wrote three months ago and then improve it.

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Some Christians give me the willies. Instead of being called a Christian, I’d rather be called a “follower of Jesus,” even if I fall behind more than I should.

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Why can’t we have a national referendum with only women voting on, yea or nay, whether abortion should be legal in the U.S.?

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Line from Herb Shriner: “There was this old woman who was so mean she would vote a town dry and then move.”

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WRITERS: When revising your ms., you only need to say, “I/he/she thought,” not “I thought to myself.” It’s redundant, so stop it now.

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Dishonest folks are worthless? Well, keep in mind that you can get a lot of good advice from a hypocrite. (Nothing else, of course.)

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Harry Truman’s “Do Nothing” Congress did about four times as much work. Today’s Congress is pretty close to “Brain Dead Congress.”

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Differing with Palin about Jesus celebrating Easter. Jesus was born a Jew, and he died a Jew. The followers developed Easter.

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For some of us thickies, we don’t realize we loved someone until we burst into tears when a phone call tells us he or she is dead.

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Just wondering: What were the initial problems when Social Security cranked up? When Medicare did?

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Nuclear warheads and missiles today are about as useful as horse cavalry was in the 1940’s.

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Movies need a barf bag rating: Hurt Locker 5 bags; Avatar 5; Capt. Phillips, 3 1/2. Gravity was OK with Dramamine. (Quit jerking the camera!)

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MOWBRAY’S world in 1930s: Banks are in trouble, people distrust govt. and turn to fringe groups. And things really don’t change at all.

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A Florida man was trying to light a KKK cross but set himself on fire. Moral: Chickens do come home to roost . . . and roast.

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Favorite hed today (from Esquire): Today In The Reign Of Morons: Gotterdumberung

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Downside of 24-hr news and e-devices in govt.: We pick at our sores, pick, pick, and don’t let them heal.

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I am thinking a thought that no one has ever thought before. Thinking. Just a minute. Thinking. I think I got it. Oh, oh, got it! Not yet.

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First draft that didn’t work: “The Wizard of Junction City, Kansas”

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Song that didn’t make it: “How Much is That Iguana in the Window”

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In my MOWBRAY series, my ghosts are never evil, just sad and confused because no one talks to them.

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“I will love you truly.” “My name isn’t truly.” “Then I’ll love someone else.” “Truly?”

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A political free-thinker today is someone whose mind is purchased by supporters who carry the flag for their bank accounts.

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Curiouser and curiouser: A candidate says he’s his own man, but only votes the way a cabal or special interests want want him to.

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A chart of the national debt shows that over 50% came from Bush I and II. Obama had 17%, with Clinton, Reagan, and pre-RR filling out the rest.

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Oh, I get it now: The Tea Party wingnuts are acting up to make Ronald Reagan look wise and worthy of being on Mt. Rushmore.

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Beware of those who sparkle in job interviews. They may interview well, but not work well: all hat and no cattle, as it were.

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LABEL--Don’t call bills “Clean Water Acts” if the intention is to lower the standards for water purity.” Change Water Standards” is honest.

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Modern Ishmael: “Cap’n dude, aren’t you fixating just a bit about that whale?” Modern Ahab: “I won’t compromise. I have my principles.”

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Reforms: One person-one vote, no hanky-panky. Say what you are doing, and do what you are saying. If it’s earned here, pay taxes on it here.

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Poor Florida with toxic algae and other poisons in our waters. New motto: Come to the state that has to vacuum its toxins.

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Old science trying hard -- watched “Woman in the Moon” (‘29, silent; dir. Fritz Lang) tries hard on a trip to the moon film.

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In a mid-1930s film, U.K. engineers are contemplating a transatlantic tunnel 100 to 300 feet deep. Check out “The Tunnel” film. That old idea resurfaces now and then.

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Ted Cruz is now the senator from Dogpatch, our modern Jubilation T. Cornpone. (YouTube it and Stubby Kaye and you’ll have some fun.)

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Old adage: “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” Problem: What if he’s a thief?

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Even ice cream tastes foul to him whose spoon is dipped in horse manure.

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George Washington didn’t want to do a second term because of the lies and slanders of opponents. All in all, he’d feel right at home in today’s political environment.

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Managerial insight: When you’re fighting an administrator, mean and clever is bad, but mean and stupid is the worst. Go for kind but stern.

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My college just hired its fifth full-time president, its first woman CEO. Good luck to her and may she show better sense than her predecessor.

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Insight from my MOWBRAY ghost series: It’s not healthy being a ghost. (Think about it.)

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Guess you heard about the Southerner who named his daughter “Kudzu” because the more she grew, the more she took over things.

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Thanks to billionaires, the TeaPubs’ shut-down has been a real Koch-up.

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Favorite hed from 50+ years ago: “Alcohol poses grave enima” (left off the G in “enigma).

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I was drinking so many diet sodas that I developed artificial diabetes. I felt foolish having to give myself two make-believe shots a day.

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I must have dozed off. When did my pot-belly turn into a wash-tub?

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New survey says coffee is better than sex, especially decaffeinated sex.

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Our local professional fuhbol team wonders, “What is this thing called a touchdown?”

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Could the anti-Hillary buttons backfire and hack off GOP women with two large thighs and two small breasts?

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It’s time for state legislatures to enact this proposal: Whenever a legitimate voter is purged and denied the right to vote in an election, that citizen shall be paid $50,000. If a state improperly denies the vote to, say, 7,000 voters, it would pay to them a total of $350 million.

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Congress has been worse, but there’s no need for this one to try to set a new record.

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Don’t try to tap-dance if you’re too busy putting your foot in your mouth.

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If you’re having a stupid moment, hang around with a pal who’s still in a common sense phase.

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TeaPublicans are threatening to hold their breaths until they turn bluer.

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Will Rogers said, “Everyone’s ignorant, just on different subjects.” With shutdowns, should that be updated to “everyone’s stupid,” etc.

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Texas senator Ted Cruz is smart, but so was King James I of England, who became known as “the wisest fool in Christendom.” Cruz has a chance to become the wise fool in the Lone Star State.

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The TeaPublicans are playing to their base. Obama is playing to history’s verdict. It makes a difference.

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