Past Columns

Many past columns have been deleted since they are included in the author's Wild-Eyed Moderate series of books. These books also include articles and humorous pieces from such periodicals as The Birmingham News, The Bessemer News, Folio Weekly, The Florida Times-Union (particularly the letters sections), The Florida Flambeau, The Penchant, The Write Stuff, The FCCFF Update, and even The International Journal of Elvisology and the Elvisian Era


These pieces include the following: 

'Tain't Funny, McGee    page 136 in Shoot-Out w/Wild-Eyed Moderate

"Give Me Liverwurst on Rye!"   87 Shoot


"Haute, Two, Three, Four—Pass the Snails Please"   109 Shoot


"I Will Defiantly Write Better"     30 Duel


"It's Copy, Stupid," Says Psychotic Editor           165Shoot


"Lights, Camera, Action, Scribble!"   221Shoot


"Punch It Up, Tom Nobody Likes to Read Anymore"    78Shoot


"You Want to Be Shot?"     34Gun


"Your Image Needs Changing, George" 83Shoot


A Few Tips for Jeffersonian Activists     120Duel


A Matrix Christmas to Everyone            242Shoot


A Nation Taking Baby Steps     56Duel


A Note on John Skelton     128Gun


A Passion for Searching for Academic Excellence            248Shoot


A Pitfall in Writing Memoirs     62Duel


A Problem with Warfare and Killing     137Duel


Academic Power Dialect vs. Good Writing     Duel


Advice Older Than Vaudeville    96Duel 


All Hail My Dictatorship...Or Else           123Shoot


All of His Gall is Divided into Three Parts     178Duel


An "Ape" on a Bike     28Gun


An Analogy Regarding Immigration     196Duel


And Then I Invented USA Today     19Duel


Antebellum Years Reflect Us Today     188Duel


Art and Trivial Pursuit     22 Gun                                       


Avoid Tom Swifties, He Said Evasively and Other Dialogue Problems     149Duel


Be Afraid, America, Very Afraid     Duel


Behold the Electorsaurus     Duel


Bon Voyage, Captain John    173Duel


Calling Machiavelli     108Gun


Choose Your Enemies Carefully     169Duel


Clark Kent, You're Fired     234Gun


Close Encounters with Archaic Language     193Duel


Common Sense: All Events Aren't Equal            174Shoot


Confessions of a Book Addict     173Gun


Curtain Line and Gallop into the Sunset     264Gun


Curtain Line and Riding Off into the Sunset   292Shoot


Curtain Line at the Jail     249Duel


Daffy Advice Not Helpful     75Gun


Elegy for Celebrations of Books     39Duel


Encounters with Ray Bradbury     245Gun


Erase the Civil War?    Duel


Fame is the Game, and Quality May Not Count     229Gun


Farewell to Andy and George and ––     250Gun                


Farley and the Right Ending       207Shoot


Flagging Program: Tool or Toy?     236Gun


Fond Memories of Amos and Andy     Duel


Forward to the Past       100Shoot


Going to School with "Our Kind"     87Duel


Gone with the Muggles  33Shoot


Hard Work, But Someone Has to Do It  114Shoot


Harry Potter E-Mails      29Shoot


High Tech Layout vs. Pure Hogwash   150Shoot


Hobgoblins and American Bosses   256Shoot


How to MOOC Things Up     214Duel


How to Win Friends and Converts     Duel


Hyping the Electorate     Duel


Igor and a Few Warm Bodies     234Shoot


Impeachment's Checkered History     199Duel


Intro. by Brewster Barlow, the Original Wild-Eyed Moderate    1D


Introduction by the Original Wild-Eyed Moderate    1Gun


Introduction by the Original Wild-Eyed Moderate             1Shoot


Is a Candidate from Business the Best Choice?   268Shoot


Is It Autophagia?     142Duel


Is Secession Already Happening? Don't Count on It     108Duel


Just Beware, 'Enry 'Iggins, Just Beware    272Shoot


Just the Facts, Ma'am, That Will Play in Peoria     14Duel


Know the Needs of Your Characters      155Shoot


Let's Hang the Writer     132Shoot


Lies vs. ‘Truth with Blinders' On?     Duel


Looking at the Big Picture          211Shoot


Mama Nature, What's a Conservative?     Duel


Me and Peepers     219Duel


Mechanical Linguists     242Duel


Melania plagiarized . . . and was betrayed     Duel


Monkeys in a Zoo     202Duel


More John Dewey, Less John Gotti     51Duel


Much Ado About Libraries     34Duel


Never Say Never     117Gun


New Age Astrology for Wordsmiths    9Duel


New Age Astrology for Wordsmiths Rides Again     12Duel


Newer Ways to Read     176Gun                                        


No Bad Administrators: Train Edu-Crats the Schoolhouse Way   244Shoot


No Carols? Goodbye to Civilization       127Shoot


No Experience Necessary     114Duel


No Good Quotes Go Unattributed        170Shoot


No Parlez-vous French...and It Shows?   140Shoot


Not Quite a Saint     197Gun


Nothing in Excess Regarding Guns and Violence     103Duel


Oddities of Nudity     146Gun


Ode to a Never-Told Story     183Gun


Okay for a Grammarian's Funeral     160Gun


On "Who Dat," "Begorra," and "By Cracky"     57Gun


On Orwell, Elephants, ROVP, and the Schoendienst Curve  190Shoot


On Typewriters, PC's, and All That     130Gun


Once More into the Breach, Dag-Nabbit 195Shoot


Osama bin "James" or "Becket"?     224Gun


Our First Vulcan President      111Duel  


Outlaw One of God's plants?     157Duel


Parable of the Twin Teachers         49 Duel


Past Lives, Loves, and Losses     12Shoot


Pee-pee, Poo-Poo, Toot-Toot     155Duel


Perspective on Same-Sex Marriages     182Duel


Pert Makes Sense of the Calendar           70Shoot


Planes, Not Plans     48Gun


Point…and Shoot to Kill     94Gun


Political Junky and Millard Fillmore    91Shoot


Professor Francis X. Pert on Proper English    48Shoot


Professor X. Pert Goes Online   74Shoot


Queen Victoria's ScrapbookShoot   183


Rabid Zombie Bears are Destroying Our Schools     78Duel


Rapping about What's the Word?     122Gun


Remembering on Memorial Day     185Duel


Ruminations of a Wild-Eyed Moderate     209Gun


Ruminations while Helping Cookie     160Duel


Sanitizing Our State Songs     64Gun


Sanity and Decency in Political Writing     194Gun


Saying the Right Thing     Duel


Search for a Killer      83Duel


Semicolon Forks Lightning of Editorial Gods     101Gun


Shaping Up Honest Abe            96Shoot


Some Educational Proverbs     145Duel


Some Excellent Men     255Gun


Southerners and Croaking in the Big Power Pond           198Shoot


Speaking to the Ages     105Gun


Subtle vs. Obvious Rhyme…or No Rhyme     114Gun


Telling the Story of Professor Andy     141Gun


Tenure: Education's Instant-Replay Camera       75Duel


The "Invisible Taxes" That Workers Pay     221Gun


The Almost Presidents     224Duel


The Amazing Grace of Huckleberry Finn     26Duel


The Animal Point of View     165Gun


The Bomb That Blew Up the Truisms     84Gun


The Chateaubriand Steak Gang     67Duel


The Common Touch for Columns   106Shoot


The Cowboy Way     Duel


The Creation of a Piranha Press     69Gun


The Deadly "I," "Me," and "My"     135Gun                      


The Death of American Schools     81Duel


The Decency Tripwire     210Duel


The Dreaded Chicken Psychosis of Scotland    41Shoot


The Faces of Moses, Jesus, and Santa     231Duel


The Gadfly as Poetic Symbol     39Gun


The Good Old Daze     178Shoot


The Grandma Moses Code       25Shoot


The Happiness from a Column  218Shoot


The Holy Code to Getting Rich Quick     21Shoot


The Magic Trunk     153Gun


The Music of Good Writing     23Duel


The Naming of Things, Generally Speaking        281Shoot


The Obscenity of "Taj Mahal Schools"   287Shoot


The Parable of "the Blue Necktie Rule"   239Shoot


The Parable of the Chickens       261Shoot


The Parable of the Jobs     206Duel


The Parable of the Pasture     5Gun


The Parable of the Preacher and the Old Man     212Gun    


The Revolution Could Be Revolting    77Shoot


The Rituals of Basketball            119Shoot


The Road to America     11Gun


The Skunk and the General     31Gun


The Story Behind Toto     156Gun


The Value of Creative Writing Courses     228Duel


The Wearing of the Olive Drab  204Shoot


The Worst Day of Peeper's Life     222Duel


The X. Pert Interviews   47Shoot


The Yip-Yappers among Us     260Gun


There's Something about a Democracy     239Gun


Thoughts on a Giant's Skeleton     218Gun


To Kill a Classic     170Gun


Tools from Slack & Drecker     53Gun


U.S. Public Schools Don't Get No Respect     70Duel


Weni, Widi, Weci? Get Serious, Julie   144Shoot


What are the Limits of Truth?     180Gun


What Can (or Should) an Editor Do?     164Duel


What if Your Elwood P. Dowd is a Mean Drunk?     204Gun


What Produces a Pig's Breakfast?            160Shoot


What Survivors of The Bomb Need to Know     92Duel


What Was Your Toughest Job?     41Duel


What Would Jesus and the Saints Do?     235Duel


When a Dog is Not a Dog     36Gun


When Hell Freezes Over 228Shoot


When We Witness a Violent Crime     59Duel


Where Were You When –?      44Duel


Whither the Tales of Childhood and Youth?     199Gun


Who's Entitled to Health Care?     239Duel


Who's Qualified to be the U.S. President?     Duel


Writing on Politics or Fine Cuisine          105Shoot


X. Pert & Student-Hegemony Applied Management (SHAM) 66Shoot


X. Pert Deconstructs Words and Meanings    51Shoot


X. Pert Finds His Roots 56Shoot


X. Pert Tackles Illiteracy 61Shoot


You Don't Work? You Don't Eat     Duel