AUTHOR PAGE FOR HOWARD DENSON

Past Columns

Many past columns have been deleted since they are included in the author's Wild-Eyed Moderate series of books. These books also include articles and humorous pieces from such periodicals as The Birmingham News, The Bessemer News, Folio Weekly, The Florida Times-Union (particularly the letters sections), The Florida Flambeau, The Penchant, The Write Stuff, The FCCFF Update, and even The International Journal of Elvisology and the Elvisian Era

.

These pieces include the following: 

'Tain't Funny, McGee    136 Shoot

"Give Me Liverwurst on Rye!"   87 Shoot

 

"Haute, Two, Three, Four—Pass the Snails Please"   109 Shoot

 

"I Will Defiantly Write Better"     30 Duel

 

"It's Copy, Stupid," Says Psychotic Editor           165Shoot

 

"Lights, Camera, Action, Scribble!"   221Shoot

 

"Punch It Up, Tom Nobody Likes to Read Anymore"    78Shoot

 

"You Want to Be Shot?"     34Gun

 

"Your Image Needs Changing, George" 83Shoot

 

A Few Tips for Jeffersonian Activists     120Duel

 

A Matrix Christmas to Everyone            242Shoot

 

A Nation Taking Baby Steps     56Duel

 

A Note on John Skelton     128Gun

 

A Passion for Searching for Academic Excellence            248Shoot

 

A Pitfall in Writing Memoirs     62Duel

 

A Problem with Warfare and Killing     137Duel

 

Academic Power Dialect vs. Good Writing     Duel

 

Advice Older Than Vaudeville    96Duel 

 

All Hail My Dictatorship...Or Else           123Shoot

 

All of His Gall is Divided into Three Parts     178Duel

 

An "Ape" on a Bike     28Gun

 

An Analogy Regarding Immigration     196Duel

 

And Then I Invented USA Today     19Duel

 

Antebellum Years Reflect Us Today     188Duel

 

Art and Trivial Pursuit     22 Gun                                       

 

Avoid Tom Swifties, He Said Evasively and Other Dialogue Problems     149Duel

 

Be Afraid, America, Very Afraid     Duel

 

Behold the Electorsaurus     Duel

 

Bon Voyage, Captain John    173Duel

 

Calling Machiavelli     108Gun

 

Choose Your Enemies Carefully     169Duel

 

Clark Kent, You're Fired     234Gun

 

Close Encounters with Archaic Language     193Duel

 

Common Sense: All Events Aren't Equal            174Shoot

 

Confessions of a Book Addict     173Gun

 

Curtain Line and Gallop into the Sunset     264Gun

 

Curtain Line and Riding Off into the Sunset   292Shoot

 

Curtain Line at the Jail     249Duel

 

Daffy Advice Not Helpful     75Gun

 

Elegy for Celebrations of Books     39Duel

 

Encounters with Ray Bradbury     245Gun

 

Erase the Civil War?    Duel

 

Fame is the Game, and Quality May Not Count     229Gun

 

Farewell to Andy and George and ––     250Gun                

 

Farley and the Right Ending       207Shoot

 

Flagging Program: Tool or Toy?     236Gun

 

Fond Memories of Amos and Andy     Duel

 

Forward to the Past       100Shoot

 

Going to School with "Our Kind"     87Duel

 

Gone with the Muggles  33Shoot

 

Hard Work, But Someone Has to Do It  114Shoot

 

Harry Potter E-Mails      29Shoot

 

High Tech Layout vs. Pure Hogwash   150Shoot

 

Hobgoblins and American Bosses   256Shoot

 

How to MOOC Things Up     214Duel

 

How to Win Friends and Converts     Duel

 

Hyping the Electorate     Duel

 

Igor and a Few Warm Bodies     234Shoot

 

Impeachment's Checkered History     199Duel

 

Intro. by Brewster Barlow, the Original Wild-Eyed Moderate    1D

 

Introduction by the Original Wild-Eyed Moderate    1Gun

 

Introduction by the Original Wild-Eyed Moderate             1Shoot

 

Is a Candidate from Business the Best Choice?   268Shoot

 

Is It Autophagia?     142Duel

 

Is Secession Already Happening? Don't Count on It     108Duel

 

Just Beware, 'Enry 'Iggins, Just Beware    272Shoot

 

Just the Facts, Ma'am, That Will Play in Peoria     14Duel

 

Know the Needs of Your Characters      155Shoot

 

Let's Hang the Writer     132Shoot

 

Lies vs. ‘Truth with Blinders' On?     Duel

 

Looking at the Big Picture          211Shoot

 

Mama Nature, What's a Conservative?     Duel

 

Me and Peepers     219Duel

 

Mechanical Linguists     242Duel

 

Melania plagiarized . . . and was betrayed     Duel

 

Monkeys in a Zoo     202Duel

 

More John Dewey, Less John Gotti     51Duel

 

Much Ado About Libraries     34Duel

 

Never Say Never     117Gun

 

New Age Astrology for Wordsmiths    9Duel

 

New Age Astrology for Wordsmiths Rides Again     12Duel

 

Newer Ways to Read     176Gun                                        

 

No Bad Administrators: Train Edu-Crats the Schoolhouse Way   244Shoot

 

No Carols? Goodbye to Civilization       127Shoot

 

No Experience Necessary     114Duel

 

No Good Quotes Go Unattributed        170Shoot

 

No Parlez-vous French...and It Shows?   140Shoot

 

Not Quite a Saint     197Gun

 

Nothing in Excess Regarding Guns and Violence     103Duel

 

Oddities of Nudity     146Gun

 

Ode to a Never-Told Story     183Gun

 

Okay for a Grammarian's Funeral     160Gun

 

On "Who Dat," "Begorra," and "By Cracky"     57Gun

 

On Orwell, Elephants, ROVP, and the Schoendienst Curve  190Shoot

 

On Typewriters, PC's, and All That     130Gun

 

Once More into the Breach, Dag-Nabbit 195Shoot

 

Osama bin "James" or "Becket"?     224Gun

 

Our First Vulcan President      111Duel  

 

Outlaw One of God's plants?     157Duel

 

Parable of the Twin Teachers         49 Duel

 

Past Lives, Loves, and Losses     12Shoot

 

Pee-pee, Poo-Poo, Toot-Toot     155Duel

 

Perspective on Same-Sex Marriages     182Duel

 

Pert Makes Sense of the Calendar           70Shoot

 

Planes, Not Plans     48Gun

 

Point…and Shoot to Kill     94Gun

 

Political Junky and Millard Fillmore    91Shoot

 

Professor Francis X. Pert on Proper English    48Shoot

 

Professor X. Pert Goes Online   74Shoot

 

Queen Victoria's ScrapbookShoot   183

 

Rabid Zombie Bears are Destroying Our Schools     78Duel

 

Rapping about What's the Word?     122Gun

 

Remembering on Memorial Day     185Duel

 

Ruminations of a Wild-Eyed Moderate     209Gun

 

Ruminations while Helping Cookie     160Duel

 

Sanitizing Our State Songs     64Gun

 

Sanity and Decency in Political Writing     194Gun

 

Saying the Right Thing     Duel

 

Search for a Killer      83Duel

 

Semicolon Forks Lightning of Editorial Gods     101Gun

 

Shaping Up Honest Abe            96Shoot

 

Some Educational Proverbs     145Duel

 

Some Excellent Men     255Gun

 

Southerners and Croaking in the Big Power Pond           198Shoot

 

Speaking to the Ages     105Gun

 

Subtle vs. Obvious Rhyme…or No Rhyme     114Gun

 

Telling the Story of Professor Andy     141Gun

 

Tenure: Education's Instant-Replay Camera       75Duel

 

The "Invisible Taxes" That Workers Pay     221Gun

 

The Almost Presidents     224Duel

 

The Amazing Grace of Huckleberry Finn     26Duel

 

The Animal Point of View     165Gun

 

The Bomb That Blew Up the Truisms     84Gun

 

The Chateaubriand Steak Gang     67Duel

 

The Common Touch for Columns   106Shoot

 

The Cowboy Way     Duel

 

The Creation of a Piranha Press     69Gun

 

The Deadly "I," "Me," and "My"     135Gun                      

 

The Death of American Schools     81Duel

 

The Decency Tripwire     210Duel

 

The Dreaded Chicken Psychosis of Scotland    41Shoot

 

The Faces of Moses, Jesus, and Santa     231Duel

 

The Gadfly as Poetic Symbol     39Gun

 

The Good Old Daze     178Shoot

 

The Grandma Moses Code       25Shoot

 

The Happiness from a Column  218Shoot

 

The Holy Code to Getting Rich Quick     21Shoot

 

The Magic Trunk     153Gun

 

The Music of Good Writing     23Duel

 

The Naming of Things, Generally Speaking        281Shoot

 

The Obscenity of "Taj Mahal Schools"   287Shoot

 

The Parable of "the Blue Necktie Rule"   239Shoot

 

The Parable of the Chickens       261Shoot

 

The Parable of the Jobs     206Duel

 

The Parable of the Pasture     5Gun

 

The Parable of the Preacher and the Old Man     212Gun    

 

The Revolution Could Be Revolting    77Shoot

 

The Rituals of Basketball            119Shoot

 

The Road to America     11Gun

 

The Skunk and the General     31Gun

 

The Story Behind Toto     156Gun

 

The Value of Creative Writing Courses     228Duel

 

The Wearing of the Olive Drab  204Shoot

 

The Worst Day of Peeper's Life     222Duel

 

The X. Pert Interviews   47Shoot

 

The Yip-Yappers among Us     260Gun

 

There's Something about a Democracy     239Gun

 

Thoughts on a Giant's Skeleton     218Gun

 

To Kill a Classic     170Gun

 

Tools from Slack & Drecker     53Gun

 

U.S. Public Schools Don't Get No Respect     70Duel

 

Weni, Widi, Weci? Get Serious, Julie   144Shoot

 

What are the Limits of Truth?     180Gun

 

What Can (or Should) an Editor Do?     164Duel

 

What if Your Elwood P. Dowd is a Mean Drunk?     204Gun

 

What Produces a Pig's Breakfast?            160Shoot

 

What Survivors of The Bomb Need to Know     92Duel

 

What Was Your Toughest Job?     41Duel

 

What Would Jesus and the Saints Do?     235Duel

 

When a Dog is Not a Dog     36Gun

 

When Hell Freezes Over 228Shoot

 

When We Witness a Violent Crime     59Duel

 

Where Were You When –?      44Duel

 

Whither the Tales of Childhood and Youth?     199Gun

 

Who's Entitled to Health Care?     239Duel

 

Who's Qualified to be the U.S. President?     Duel

 

Writing on Politics or Fine Cuisine          105Shoot

 

X. Pert & Student-Hegemony Applied Management (SHAM) 66Shoot

 

X. Pert Deconstructs Words and Meanings    51Shoot

 

X. Pert Finds His Roots 56Shoot

 

X. Pert Tackles Illiteracy 61Shoot

 

You Don't Work? You Don't Eat     Duel